high school. teenage life. smells, textures, visions, needs, desires. that weird girl that sits alone by her locker eating lettuce. i wasn't weird. was i weird? i had one friend for the sake of having one, i didn't care about anyone at school, really, but it didn't stop me from feeling anxious about what any of them thought of me. it seems like basic human nature to try and fit in, or at least think of the ways that you might, even if you don't pursue them. i thought plenty of what to wear, how to present myself. do i put make up on? how will i act normal if i'm all painted up and out of sorts? i had already done modeling and hated it. what do i look like? how do i feel? who am i? why aren't those things good enough for other people? i settled pretty naturally into slightly too large flannels and airwalks. the comfort of a found place becomes apparent in the confidence you carry yourself with. even once i was dating that football player, i still didn't care about interacting with the entourage. i guess i didn't really care about him, either, but it seemed like the right course of action. date the guy, go to the parties, meet the popular people, fit in. they're all as insecure as the rest of us ever were. and, they're not really any better at disguising it, we're all just too preoccupied with our own shit to see. i feel lucky and pretty fucking satisfied to have accepted myself at such an early age. accept and don't expect. i say it to myself all the time. everything happens, what will you do? will it all come to you as you expect it? will you accept that? what's the point of resistance and anger if it's already happened. now it's just pouting. the ebb and flow of it all can be staggering, but i constantly remind myself of how small it is. each thing. is small. and life is long. shit, even days are long. i've grown. i've adapted. i've evolved. i've procreated. i've influenced people. i still eat lettuce. fewer people think i'm weird. i've lived and made my world a better place.